If Your Sister Was Ted Kaczynski?

My sister, Leslie and I speak every day. Sometimes many times a day. It wasn’t until the rest of our nuclear family passed away that we became like this, but I cherish it, every single day. We are not that complicated a people, so we don’t always have something to say. And we are strange, sometimes not even saying, ‘hello, how is your day,’ before getting into it.

I was running errands on Saturday and called her between stops.

“Hey, if I was Ted Kaczynski, and you recognized my manifest, would you have turned me in?

“No.”

“Really? I’m shocked. I would have turned you in.”

“I know.”

“Why wouldn’t you have turned me in?”

“Because you are my sister and I would not want to send you to jail.”

“How did you know I would turn you in?”

“Because you always turned me in to mom and dad.”

I decided to let that pass. Her memory isn’t so good anymore.

“But what about the people I would have killed after you realized it was me? What about them? Have you no responsibility to them? They should die because I’m your sister?”

“I don’t know. But I wouldn’t have turned you in.”

“I’m at the farm stand. I’ll be right back. Hold please.”

Four ears of corn, fresh tomatoes, little potatoes, and basil later…

“Are you there?”

”Yes.”

“What about if it was our step sister? Would you have turned her in?”

“Yes.”

“But why her and not me?”

”Because I don’t like her the way I love you.”

“Ok, what if it was a friend? Would you turn a friend in?”

“Depends on who the friend was.”

“Ok, what would you have done once you realized it was me. If you weren’t going to turn me in, what would you have done?”

“I would have gone to talk to you.”

“Really? I’m a crazy lunatic and you would have talk it over with me? You cannot be serious. I could have killed you knowing you knew.”

“You wouldn’t kill me. I would ask you to stop.”

“Have I ever stopped anything you asked me to stop before? Seriously?”

“No, but I would have tried to get you help.”

“Ok, what if you were the wife of the brother who turned him in? Would you have turned him in then?”

“Maybe. I’m not sure.”

“If you were the wife of the brother, would you have turned him in and not told your husband you did? Anonymously?”

“Yes, maybe.”

“Well that would be a betrayal. I am sure he would have figured it out that it was you. Now I need to worry about you anonymously turning people in. So it’s a blood thing?”

“Maybe, I have to think about it.”

“There’s no time. I need to know now.”

“Maybe you should think about how easy it is for you to turn me in? How about that?”

“Nope. Not for a second. I’m at the butcher. Hold please.”

When I get back in the car, she is not on the phone. I call back thinking maybe she is angry with me.

She picks up and says, “I have to feed the dogs. I’m done with this conversation.”

“Ok, bye. Love you.”

“I love you too.”

And, so it goes. She will call me later this afternoon, and we will start on another burning issue, maybe this time it will be hers. So good for the connections in my brain I think.

I hope you all have a sister like mine. I’m never bored.