Food Groups

I’ve figured out the obesity problem. It’s the food group thing.

It’s not about what you eat, necessarily, but about with whom you eat, where you eat, and your emotional state when the food goes into your mouth. Trying to tell me to eat three veggies and two fruits each day has no soul, and it ain’t working. Give me the rules on the who, what, where, and when theory of eating, and I think we can lick this thing.

Thanksgiving at Your Mother’s House with the Family.

No restrictions. Walk in the door and go for the food rather than speaking. You all know what I’m talking about. Eat it, don’t say it. No exceptions. This is not the food group with which to change your eating habits and lose a pound or so. Those who don’t get this need professional help.

Movies

When the lights go down, and you are all by yourself, it’s you, the people on the screen, and your popcorn and soda. Make it a small popcorn, no matter how many times the ill-intentioned person behind the counter points out that it’s only 25 cents more for 1,500 additional popcorn calories and extra guilt when the lights go up. Your response to that person should be, “Please tell me you are not making a commission on that extra 25 cents meant to hurt me.” Gently but firmly let them know you are on to the truth. Eat one kernel at a time, and only allow yourself to eat 1/3 of the popcorn container before the lights go down.

Mornings in the Car Alone.

Start your day with your morning joe from wherever. If you must stop at Mac’s, get the Egg McMuffin, pull over, and take the egg out and just eat the muffin and one slice of that fabulous American cheese that has a shelf life of three years. Eating in the car is a no-no, as is eating at your desk. You must eat  your morning whatever either in the parking lot of the place where it was purchased or in your home. Never make breakfast meetings.

The Boardroom at Work

Beg the office manager to stop ordering those tubs of candy when she places the Staples order. Remind her that you helped her get that raise, and that it’s only the women who are eating it while the guys sit there on their blackberries. Never bake anything for the office.

Dinner with Friends

Be a share-bear and order things to share. Make sure you speak at least one sentence between bites. Order one dessert for your table and two tables around you. Make new friends and save the calories. All sauces on the side. No drink before the food arrives.

See what I mean? It could work. There are other things you need to do as well.

Rank your friends on a Friends Who Eat Scale. That thing about safety in numbers is true, and you need to limit your exposure both to those who eat too much with you and those who only push their ridiculous salads (no dressing) around on their plates. Neither is a good food group. Trust me on this. I have been both those people, and I was never on your side in the food group.

Look, I really think I’m on to something here. Are you with me?