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Halloween Angst: Part Two
It’s not enough that I had to contend for years with my crafty bitch neighbors and their Wizard of Oz re-enactment whose sole purpose in my opinion was to shame the rest of the neighborhood, but there are other issues as well that put me in a state. If you missed that post, you can read it here.
But the Halloween angst continues around the candy thing. And Trick or Treaters.
Did you know that $7.9 billion is spent on Halloween every year? I’d love to see the breakdown of how much of that is for candy. Speaking of which, let me tell you about my candy issues. Every single year I say I’m going to buy candy I don’t like so I don’t eat it. Yep, every single GD year. And each and every year I buy Reese’s Cups, which as you may have guessed, is my favorite packaged candy. (Unless of course I’m at the movies, where it’s Butterfingers Bite-Size. That always puts me in a bad mood because they only put about eight pieces in a box that looks like it holds twenty, and I realize they’ve once again played me for the fool I surely am. But I digress.)
So I buy the Reese’s Cups, and sure enough, I usually have to go back and buy them again because I’ve eaten them days before the big event. Really Christine? You are a grown up, you say? Seriously?
Then, on the night in question, I realize I don’t want to pass out candy to kids in the neighborhood, so I plot how I can look like I’m not home. This is not a joke. I actually turn out all my lights and test my visibility by putting my iPad down and going outside to see if the light shows at all from the street. Once I’m satisfied that it doesn’t, I huddle in my darkened home sweet home, with an elevated heart rate and tremendous guilt over my un-American attitude toward a holiday that really is a lot of fun for those who partake in it. “Why don’t you just put the candy out on a large bowl on the front stoop?” I hear you ask. F you and the sane horse you rode in on. I don’t know why I don’t. I think it’s because I think people in the neighborhood will call me unfriendly. Now, keep in mind I lived in my house on Cape Cod for five years and never once spoke to a neighbor or even waved pleasantly when driving by, so I think they already know I’m not where you go for a cup of sugar.
The plan this year is that I’m done. I swear this year I’m not buying one bag of anything. I’m going to go out to dinner and a movie rather than huddle like a criminal in the shadows of my own house.
So, happy All Soul’s to you all. Bah Halloween Humbug.